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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/28249428">How to Survive Camping 101</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/groomp/pseuds/groomp'>groomp</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>The Grand Tour (TV) RPF, Top Gear (UK) RPF</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>Camping, Fluff, Gen, Not Beta Read, Spooning, i had this on my mind for DAYS</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>Completed</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2020-12-22</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2020-12-22</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-10 18:41:51</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>General Audiences</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>No Archive Warnings Apply</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>1</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>2,507</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/28249428</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/groomp/pseuds/groomp</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>“Do you want to die?”</p><p>James stopped in his tracks and met Jeremy’s eyes properly for the first time that cold night.</p><p>“What?”</p><p>“I said, do you want to die?”</p><p>“Preferably not, no.”</p><p>“Then scoot over and let me share body heat, or we are both dead.”</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>Jeremy Clarkson &amp; James May</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>11</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>14</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>How to Survive Camping 101</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p class="p1">Driving through the Himalayas was one thing. Car, warm engine, toasty seat warmers away from the chilly 13,000ft air, air so thin yet easily cuts through to the bone. But camping in the Himalayas? That was a whole different story.<br/>
<br/>
</p><p class="p3">
  <span class="s2">Sitting around the fire hadn’t been all that bad, as Jeremy had talking and drinks to distract him. But as soon as everyone started to waveringly go off to sleep, he soon found the inevitable coming. He had to sleep in a tent in the Himalayas.<br/>
<br/>
</span>
</p><p class="p3">
  <span class="s2">Around half an hour after midnight, Jeremy was done chatting up some of the more insomniac crew members, helped put out the fire and very carefully started making his way to his tent, being cautious to remember the positions of the various tents scattered around the campsite.</span>
</p><p class="p3"> </p><p class="p3">
  <span class="s2">As he passed what he was pretty sure was James’ tent, he heard a shuffling from inside. Right after, a pitifully small voice.<br/>
<br/>
</span>
</p><p class="p3">
  <span class="s2">“Jeremy?”</span>
</p><p class="p3"> </p><p class="p3">
  <span class="s2">That was definitely James May, and he did not sound so happy. The telltale sign was James’ use of Jeremy’s first name. They usually were on a first name basis, after so many years anyone would be, but during filming? Jeremy could count on his one hand the times James had actually called him Jeremy during work. And he was alarmed.</span>
</p><p class="p3"> </p><p class="p3">
  <span class="s2">“James? You okay? Everything alright?” he asked in rapid succession, hoping his voice somehow wouldn’t betray his brief level of worry. What if something had happened? What could even happen inside a tent? His penis was left out and got frostbite? He calmed down a bit, but still awaited for a response with bated breath.</span>
</p><p class="p3"><span class="s2"><br/>
</span>“I’m very cold.”</p><p class="p2"> </p><p class="p3">
  <span class="s2">A beat. And Jeremy started chuckling. He almost bent over at the absurdity of this all. James was so utterly miserable, he understood him completely, and yet somehow James’ level of discomfort was so great that it surpassed even his.</span>
</p><p class="p2"> </p><p class="p3">
  <span class="s2">“I’m very unhappy right now,” James’ voice was now much smaller after Jeremy was done essentially laughing at his face through a cheap tent, that much was sure. Jeremy cleared his throat, aware that other people were also trying to sleep in this campsite. They were all probably failing though. At least this would be more entertaining than their teeth clattering.</span>
</p><p class="p2"> </p><p class="p3">
  <span class="s2">“I’m sorry mate, there’s not enough space to spoon you in there for some of my warmth,” Jeremy said, then reached for the zip.</span>
</p><p class="p2"> </p><p class="p3">
  <span class="s2">“Or is there?”</span>
</p><p class="p2"> </p><p class="p3">
  <span class="s2">“What are you doing! Stop! Have you gone mad?” The hurried voice was now booming as Jeremy instantly let go of the zip he had only slightly touched. ‘That whole exercise will warm him right up’, Jeremy thought as he bid goodnight to the suffering James, who was now muttering curses in his tent, and headed for his own.</span>
</p><p class="p2"> </p><p class="p3">
  <span class="s2">He may have, admittedly, underestimated just how miserable James truly was.</span>
</p><p class="p2"> </p><p class="p3">
  <span class="s2">It only took around 10 minutes for Jeremy to realize that everything was absolutely horrid. The pillow was rock hard, the blanket was worse than a wet napkin at retaining warmth, and his supposed sleeping bag was barely classifying as one at that moment, given that his entire leg was basically sticking out of it. Try as he might with the zip, it just wouldn’t work. And the mere effort that took nearly left him breathless in this very thin atmosphere.</span>
</p><p class="p2"> </p><p class="p3">
  <span class="s2">He tried dressing up more, he tried zipping every zipper his hand came across, he tried rubbing his poor feet together to generate some heat, nothing he did made this experience even remotely easier. He knew he definitely wasn’t the only one struggling as the sound of shuffling was echoing around the campsite, with the occasional curse or whimper.</span>
</p><p class="p2"> </p><p class="p3">
  <span class="s2">More than once did he consider actually getting out of the tent and either running away into the dark, hopefully get hypothermia and at least trick his body into thinking it was warm, make a break for the cars and potentially trip over a guide rope and die, or actually murder Richard Hammond and bathe in his blood. That would warm him right up for a while.</span>
</p><p class="p2"> </p><p class="p3">
  <span class="s2">Jeremy checked his watch and was disappointed to find out not even an hour had passed since he had entered his frozen tent. Morning was still very far away, and at that point he wasn’t sure he wanted to stay in this tent any longer. It was when his teeth started clattering so hard it actually gave him a headache that he cursed a few times, that he wormed out of what remained of his supposed sleeping bag, scooped it up along with a blanket or three and actually left the tent. But he did zip it back up.</span>
</p><p class="p2"> </p><p class="p3">
  <span class="s2">His mind weary and exhausted, he took extra care to be as slow and as quiet as possible as he navigated his way through the campsite, searching for a particular tent. He wouldn’t enter Richard’s tent for fear of actually murdering the man, he wouldn’t sleep with the camera crew or Andy because he had a persona to uphold, so that left only one other suspect.</span>
</p><p class="p2"> </p><p class="p3">
  <span class="s2">Double and triple checking he was standing in front of the right tent, Jeremy lightly scratched its surface with his glove and put his ear on to listen. Sure enough, James groaned and muttered a simple, “fuck off”. Jeremy smiled slightly.</span>
</p><p class="p2"> </p><p class="p3">
  <span class="s2">“Can I come in? I think my plums have finally frozen off.”</span>
</p><p class="p2"> </p><p class="p3">
  <span class="s2">“Were you sleeping outside?” Came the subdued voice from inside the tent.</span>
</p><p class="p2"> </p><p class="p3">
  <span class="s2">“Practically.”</span>
</p><p class="p2"> </p><p class="p3">
  <span class="s2">“Well, it’s not much better in here.” Jeremy could distinctly make out teeth chatters in between James’ words.</span>
</p><p class="p2"> </p><p class="p3">
  <span class="s2">“I’m coming in now.” </span>
</p><p class="p2"> </p><p class="p3">
  <span class="s2">“No, no, wait!” But Jeremy was already unzipping the tent and coming in, quickly closing it back up behind him. The lying creature on the tent floor, identified barely as James, was now sitting half upright, probably in an attempt to spook the intruder coming into its icy lair.</span>
</p><p class="p2"> </p><p class="p3">
  <span class="s2">“Hello.” James said. Jeremy shook his head.</span>
</p><p class="p2"> </p><p class="p3">
  <span class="s2">“Move aside.” James was suddenly disturbed out of his position by Jeremy unloading all the things he’d brought from inside his tent, deciding to show it off in the process.</span>
</p><p class="p2"> </p><p class="p3">
  <span class="s2">“So, this is it? Is the Mail finally getting the scoop of the century?” James said without emotion in his voice, apart from the now permanent despair. Jeremy had just finished unfolding the blanket.</span>
</p><p class="p2"> </p><p class="p3">
  <span class="s2">“Look at this absolute shite. This fucking thing barely qualifies as lace curtain. Are you actually telling me I’m supposed to be sleeping in this?” James rolled his eyes as Jeremy discarded the thin blanket on the ground and moved on to the pillow.</span>
</p><p class="p2"> </p><p class="p3">
  <span class="s2">“I bet you if I open this up, all that’ll be in there is rocks and ice. Look how it drops on the ground!” Jeremy let go of his pillow, which fell down with quite a big thud.</span>
</p><p class="p2"> </p><p class="p3">
  <span class="s2">“Clarkson, I want to sleep. I don’t want to bear witness to your inane complaining and your booming voice; I’m surprised if nobody’s up by now with your incessant shouting.” Jeremy elected to ignore James’s speech entirely, and instead shot back with something totally unrelated.</span>
</p><p class="p2"> </p><p class="p3">
  <span class="s2">“Do you want to die?”</span>
</p><p class="p2"> </p><p class="p3">
  <span class="s2">James stopped in his tracks and met Jeremy’s eyes properly for the first time that cold night.</span>
</p><p class="p2"> </p><p class="p3">
  <span class="s2">“What?”</span>
</p><p class="p2"> </p><p class="p3">
  <span class="s2">“I said, do you want to die?”</span>
</p><p class="p2"> </p><p class="p3">
  <span class="s2">“Preferably not, no.”</span>
</p><p class="p2"> </p><p class="p3">
  <span class="s2">“Then scoot over and let me share body heat, or we are both dead.”</span>
</p><p class="p2"> </p><p class="p3">
  <span class="s2">James gaped for half a second and then shook his head.</span>
</p><p class="p2"> </p><p class="p3">
  <span class="s2">“No! Stop being ridiculous-“</span>
</p><p class="p2"> </p><p class="p3">
  <span class="s2">“Come on-“ he pushed James in his mass of fabric to the edge of the tent.</span>
</p><p class="p2"> </p><p class="p3">
  <span class="s2">“I was actually doing just fine before you barged in like a pissed lunatic and let all the cold air in-“</span>
</p><p class="p2"> </p><p class="p3">
  <span class="s2">“Go on, move-“</span>
</p><p class="p2"> </p><p class="p3">
  <span class="s2">“And I’d much appreciate it if you gathered all your belongings and fucked off my tent-“</span>
</p><p class="p2"> </p><p class="p3">
  <span class="s2">By the time James was finished talking, Jeremy was already wrapped in the worst blanket in the world and half in his sleeping bag, lying considerably close to James.</span>
</p><p class="p2"> </p><p class="p3">
  <span class="s2">“This is a terrible arrangement. You’ll freeze to death.” James scowled.</span>
</p><p class="p2"> </p><p class="p3">
  <span class="s2">“Not if we share our body heat and make it ‘till morning.” </span>
</p><p class="p2"> </p><p class="p3">
  <span class="s2">“I‘m not going to do that!” James snapped a bit too hard and turned the other way way too slowly. He was breathless by the end of it.</span>
</p><p class="p2"> </p><p class="p3">
  <span class="s2">“Suit yourself, May. Not only will you have my death in your hands, but you’ll probably freeze to death yourself, in the state you’re in currently.”</span>
</p><p class="p2"> </p><p class="p3"><span class="s2">“I’m f-fine.” Teeth clatter </span> <span class="s3">and</span> <span class="s2"> stutter. Not a good look.</span></p><p class="p2"> </p><p class="p3">
  <span class="s2">“Alright then. Goodnight.” Jeremy shuffled around for a few moments and then went still.</span>
</p><p class="p2"> </p><p class="p3">
  <span class="s2">James rolled his eyes, muttered and tried to ignore the cold just long enough to make his mind fall asleep. But he now found it near impossible. Somehow, the cold was even worse than before -well, Clarkson letting cold air in certainly hadn’t helped-, and he was now self conscious that Jeremy knew he wasn’t asleep judging by the lack of sound by his septum. </span>
</p><p class="p2"> </p><p class="p3">
  <span class="s2">Within the next 10 minutes, he was trying to stop his hands from actually vibrating out of their sockets. The shaking soon spread to different parts of his body, and no matter how much he snuggled into the sleeping bag, which now felt so small he felt he was being asphyxiated, the cold barely got any more tolerable.</span>
</p><p class="p2"> </p><p class="p3">
  <span class="s2">James suddenly wondered how Jeremy was doing. The man hadn’t made a sound in a while, something James was both extremely grateful about, but also marginally worried about. What if he were right? What if Jeremy was actually right for once?</span>
</p><p class="p2"> </p><p class="p3">
  <span class="s2">Taking a deep breath that made his lungs sting, James slowly attempted to turn around the other way. Cursing his cheap sleeping bag, the weather and the altitude, by the time he came face to face with Jeremy he was finished. </span>
</p><p class="p2"> </p><p class="p3">
  <span class="s2">Jeremy’s wide open eyes were boring holes into James’ own. It was slightly off-putting, however James was far too gone for that.</span>
</p><p class="p2"> </p><p class="p3">
  <span class="s2">“Clarkson?” He asked through the fabric.</span>
</p><p class="p2"> </p><p class="p3">
  <span class="s2">“Yes?” </span>
</p><p class="p2"> </p><p class="p3">
  <span class="s2">“Would you like to share some of your body heat with me purely in the interest of survival?” He felt his face going redder by the minute as he uttered the words, suddenly feeling not so cold but still breathless.</span>
</p><p class="p2"> </p><p class="p3">
  <span class="s2">“Thought you’d never ask.”</span>
</p><p class="p2"> </p><p class="p3">
  <span class="s2">The next 5 entire minutes were spent trying to find a way to accommodate both their bodies and all their tent materials in a suitable enough fashion to not simply freeze to death spooning. They decided to ditch the sleeping bags, shoving them down their feet and wrapping themselves in as many thin blankets as they could find. James silently thanked god that he was wearing that many clothes.</span>
</p><p class="p2"> </p><p class="p3">
  <span class="s2">Jeremy had decided to be big spoon almost immediately, which didn’t bother James at all. As they settled into what was purely and clearly a survival tactic, the problems started to arise almost immediately.</span>
</p><p class="p2"> </p><p class="p3">
  <span class="s2">“Clarkson, what is this hand doing? Keep it still or keep it to yourself.” James hissed as he batted Jeremy’s left hand off his chest and felt the intruding arm wrap under his own left arm. Letting out a breath he didn’t know he was holding in, he was becoming more thankful by the minute that almost no skin was exposed.</span>
</p><p class="p2"> </p><p class="p3">
  <span class="s2">Jeremy’s intruding left hand once again came at rest right on James’ thorax. However, James soon found himself unable to care much for it anymore, on the basis of his elevating body temperature.</span>
</p><p class="p2"> </p><p class="p3">
  <span class="s2">But then Jeremy suddenly found it appropriate to snuggle in and shove half his face into James’ neck. James recoiled violently.</span>
</p><p class="p2"> </p><p class="p3">
  <span class="s2">“Are you mad?!”</span>
</p><p class="p2"> </p><p class="p3">
  <span class="s2">“What? My face is freezing! Your neck looks bloody warm!” Jeremy was holding James back into position as he talked, making any attempts to escape his grasp futile.</span>
</p><p class="p2"> </p><p class="p3">
  <span class="s2">“I fucking hate you.” James resigned and relaxed again.</span>
</p><p class="p2"> </p><p class="p3">
  <span class="s2">“Yes but you’re warm, right?”</span>
</p><p class="p2"> </p><p class="p3">
  <span class="s2">James had only now realized he hadn’t been near freezing in quite a while. He frowned and scrunched his nose.</span>
</p><p class="p2"> </p><p class="p3">
  <span class="s2">“That seems to be the case.”</span>
</p><p class="p2"> </p><p class="p3">
  <span class="s2">“That seems to be the case,” Jeremy mimicked in that awful deep voice that definitely did not sound at all like James. James elbowed him in the stomach playfully, listening to the man chuckle for the first time that day. Despite the layers of clothing, his whole body vibrated in rhythm with Jeremy’s chuckles, which soon turned to full on laughter from both sides.</span>
</p><p class="p2"> </p><p class="p3">
  <span class="s2">Despite not lasting long, it was quite pleasant to finally be laughing despite all their despair. Jeremy sighed happily and experimentally moved a bit closer to James, who did not react.</span>
</p><p class="p2"> </p><p class="p3">
  <span class="s2">“We shall never speak of this again.” </span>
</p><p class="p2"> </p><p class="p3">
  <span class="s2">“Indeed.”</span>
</p><p class="p2"> </p><p class="p3">
  <span class="s2">“Say it, I want to hear it.”</span>
</p><p class="p2"> </p><p class="p3">
  <span class="s2">“James May, we shall never speak of this again.”</span>
</p><p class="p2"> </p><p class="p3">
  <span class="s2">James was passed out before Jeremy finished the sentence.</span>
</p><p class="p2"> </p><p class="p2"> </p><p class="p3">
  <span class="s2">————-</span>
</p><p class="p2"> </p><p class="p2"> </p><p class="p3">
  <span class="s2">As it turns out, you actually can’t get much sleep camping in the Himalayas after all.</span>
</p><p class="p2"> </p><p class="p3">
  <span class="s2">4 hours after they were both fast asleep, James opened his eyes and immediately felt the bite of the now less colder but still very much chilly thin air, the prospect of being in the Himalayas instantly draining his mood. </span>
</p><p class="p2"> </p><p class="p3">
  <span class="s2">What really surprised his waking mind, however, was that he was being held by one Jeremy Clarkson, still fast asleep. Jeremy had found solace in holding him like a stuffed animal, his open mouth leaking drool all over James’ puffy jacket. With the weather being a bit more bearable, and the imminent danger of someone from the crew -or worse, Richard Hammond- barging in to this spectacle becoming more and more real, it was now clear that this arrangement had to come to an end.</span>
</p><p class="p2"> </p><p class="p3">
  <span class="s2">James was still positively warm, possibly from Jeremy squeezing the daylights out of him, so he hesitated quite a bit to break the bond. So he elected to start it slow.</span>
</p><p class="p2"> </p><p class="p3">
  <span class="s2">“Clarkson.” </span>
</p><p class="p2"> </p><p class="p3">
  <span class="s2">Nothing.</span>
</p><p class="p2"> </p><p class="p3">
  <span class="s2">“Clarkson.”</span>
</p><p class="p2"> </p><p class="p3">
  <span class="s2">Nothing.</span>
</p><p class="p2"> </p><p class="p3">
  <span class="s2">“Clarkson!” He hissed.</span>
</p><p class="p2"> </p><p class="p3">
  <span class="s2">Nothing.</span>
</p><p class="p2"> </p><p class="p3">
  <span class="s2">“Jeremy?”</span>
</p><p class="p2"> </p><p class="p3">
  <span class="s2">At that, Jeremy started to move. James sighed in relief and exasperation that it took 3 Clarksons and the git didn’t even budge. He waited until Jeremy realized where he was and pulled himself free when he heard the realization dawn on his mate’s face with a characteristic ‘ughhh’.</span>
</p><p class="p2"> </p><p class="p3">
  <span class="s2">“Come on, gather your things and bugger off before we become the Daily Mail’s front cover.”</span>
</p><p class="p2"> </p><p class="p3">
  <span class="s2">At the mere mention of the Mail, Jeremy was now moving much faster as he grabbed all his stuff and exited the tent. James sat in for a bit, wiping sleep off his weary eyes and thinking about the events that transpired the night prior.</span>
</p><p class="p2"> </p><p class="p3">
  <span class="s2">That was definitely weird. And they should talk about it. But they probably won’t. </span>
</p><p class="p2"> </p><p class="p3">
  <span class="s2">But damn if it wasn’t comfortable.</span>
</p><p class="p2"> </p><p class="p3">
  <span class="s2">Having gathered his belongings, James exited the tent to find minimal movement, the campsite eager to burst to life soon. </span>
</p><p class="p2"> </p><p class="p3">
  <span class="s2">He had coffee, he had some chats with the crew and Andy, and Jeremy finally emerged from wherever in the campsite he had been. They exchanged only a single glance and nothing more as James raised one of the blankets in the air to show it to him.</span>
</p><p class="p2"> </p><p class="p3">
  <span class="s2">“It’s actually see-through!”</span>
</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>god what am I doing lmao I love my middle aged emotional support men</p></blockquote></div></div>
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